Beyond The Inner Critic
Some of the unhappiest people I’ve met have relentless inner critics... Photo Credit: wal_172619 @Pixabay
Beyond The Inner Critic: Steps To Self-Acceptance
On my birthday this year, after a lovely breakfast with my family, I threw my back out. This wasn’t the first or worst time, but it caught me off guard. Painful and disorienting, I watched in real-time as the “blaming” thoughts showed up, implying that I had done something wrong.
The stories that filled my mind as pain signals flooded my body made no sense. They were variations of “How could you have done this?” and "What were you thinking?” My mind scrambled to make sense of the randomness of this unexpected event, which arrived without warning.
That morning started beautifully. My kids were both home, which is rare nowadays, with one usually away at university. They cooked up a special family breakfast, with laughter at the table and warm wishes from friends. I felt happy, grateful, and creatively inspired.
Then, as I stepped into the shower, a sudden crack in my back brought immediate and consuming pain.
There was no recklessness or carelessness, nothing to blame myself for. It showed me how much conditioning and also choice we have when it comes to mind training.
Becoming aware of the internal dialogue beneath the surface takes a while. For some of us, there’s endless chatter filled with prediction-making, anticipation, social comparison, and judgment.
Self Judgment and Awareness
People often hold themselves to harsher standards than others, blaming themselves for accidents or illnesses while offering understanding to loved ones.
Have you ever blamed yourself for getting sick or hurt? Have you ever heard a loved one blame themselves for getting sick or hurt and thought, "Oh, that doesn’t make sense? Of course, it isn’t your fault." People get sick, and accidents happen. While taking a broader perspective toward others feels natural for some people, it can be much more challenging to apply the same consideration to themselves.
While thoughts like "If only I had been more careful…" and "Maybe I need to stretch more…" showed up, what was also noticeable and remarkable was that the tone and severity were much softer compared to other times in my life. There’s still a critic that I live with, but she wasn’t as harsh at that moment.
Mindset Shift
Rather than spiraling into frustration or self-condemnation, I leaned into acceptance, acknowledging that things happen, and while inconvenient, they are just hassles. This practice of noticing judgment without getting entangled by it leads to a shift in mindset from punishing reprimands to a gentler state of being.
As someone who has lived with an autoimmune disease and arthritis for years, I’ve had my fair share of moments where my body felt like it was letting me down. I’ve wrestled with resentment and frustration in the past, but this time was different. I didn’t let the pain change my mood. I still felt happy, surrounded by love and support. The practice of not getting caught up in my mind’s storytelling allowed me to experience a kind of freedom I hadn’t felt before.
Judgment is something we can learn to observe. Like any thought, it starts to dissipate when we practice noticing without getting entangled. This process takes time, but the hold loosens each time we let go, and the reward for the practice moves us toward personal freedom.
The Inner Critic Explored
Some of the unhappiest people I’ve met have relentless inner critics, voices that reprimand them whenever they sense judgment or failure. These inner critics often form in childhood, shaped by early experiences, societal expectations, and repeated judgments that become internalized.
The inner critic is an internal voice that criticizes and tends to amplify feelings of inadequacy or failure, creating barriers to growth and self-confidence. While it may aim to protect us from harm or disappointment, its harsh tone can hold us back, fueling fear, self-doubt, and unnecessary guilt.
An inner critic can grow from harsh critiques, scolding blame, or even gentle disappointment. When a single comment is replayed in our minds, it can take on disproportionate weight and shape how we see ourselves.
The unintended consequence of repetition is reinforcing these judgments on ourselves. The good news is that our minds are adaptable. With awareness and practice, we can introduce more nurturing messages to change our inner narrative.
Self-Acceptance Is An Inside Job
Self-acceptance is the practice of embracing who we are, including our strengths and imperfections, without harsh judgment or the need for external validation. It involves recognizing our inherent worth, taking a balanced view of ourselves, and understanding that mistakes and setbacks are part of being human. Self-acceptance supports resilience, confidence, and the ability to navigate life more easily and authentically.
Contrary to the saying, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” we can learn and grow at any age. Pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones first causes discomfort but can lead to relief, pride, and a sense of accomplishment.
Some people worry that easing up on self-criticism might lead to laziness or a lack of motivation. In my experience, the opposite is true. When I soften my inner critic, I feel more motivated to take action, especially when it comes to exercise. Rather than giving up when my body doesn’t perform as it did 30 years ago, I focus on how much better I feel after a workout and the lasting benefits of maintaining my health.
Your Turn: Reflection Prompts to Flip the Script
Identifying Your Inner Critic
How old is this story I am telling myself?
Where did it come from?
Fostering Self-Acceptance
What strengths do I have that counter your inner critic’s message?
What small action can I take today to challenge this thought?
How we see and speak to ourselves can be transformed when we practice self-kindness.
