Nurture Well-Being: Embrace Loving-kindness
Loving-kindness is a practical approach that can help a person navigate difficult emotions and nurture well-being
Ever wake up in the middle of the night jittery, heart pounding, adrenaline rushing through your system, haunted by past words or actions, or embarrassed about some social interaction? When faced with illness or loss, the sense of control slipping away can intensify emotions, amplifying feelings of vulnerability and anxiety.
And what happens after one of these experiences? How do you care for yourself when it’s 2 am and you don’t want to wake anyone?
I found myself in that situation in the early morning hours, and to my surprise, the loving-kindness mantras I'd been repeating for weeks came to my rescue, bringing relief.
In 2016, events in the world contributed to me intensifying my mindfulness practice. Recognizing how little I could do, I focused on what was within my control.
For me, embracing loving-kindness practice has been a practical approach to navigating challenging and unsettling emotions.
The phrases are so simple it seems silly that they would be effective. Perhaps combining a soothing voice with a positive direction for the mind to move toward relaxes the nervous system, decreasing emotional intensity. I don’t know what makes it so impactful but don’t just take my word for it. I recommend trying it yourself.
Examples of Loving Kindness
May I be safe
May I be healthy
May I live with ease
May I be free from harm
Whispering these words in my mind for several minutes loosened the angst, the tension, tightness, and the acute vigilance that had gripped me. The firm hold of my emotions lessened, and peace returned like a gentle warmth following a fierce thunderstorm.
I never figured out what triggered the original reaction that evening.
After that experience, I went back to sleep, and something changed inside me. The understanding that I could manage terrible discomfort brought a kind of liberation. There’s a shift in knowing you can confront your thoughts without the automatic response of moving away from them.
Until then, I trusted teachers' words, believing a more profound peace was possible without having experienced it for myself.
The mantras seem lovely—almost too friendly at first. I understand why embracing these practices is difficult for many people. They seem so countercultural; there is no mention or implication of having to earn your value or achieve anything to deserve love and peace.
You don’t need to be rich, thin, young, or of any particular stature to embody these words and gain the ultimate freedom they open the door to.
The Power of Loving Kindness
Loving-kindness is a simple wish for the mind to be at ease, a wish we can hold for ourselves and others. It worked for me when I needed it to, and that’s why I talk about the benefits so frequently. I want everyone to know that this practice, which has existed for thousands of years, can offer comfort, confidence, and an avenue to joy. It’s accessible to anyone interested in learning it.
I recently listened to an interview with psychologist Dr. Chris Germer, a key figure in developing the mindful self-compassion approach. In it, he recounted his long struggle with debilitating anxiety, particularly in public speaking situations. Despite a decade of mindfulness practice, he found no relief until he began incorporating loving-kindness practice, leading to a profound inner transformation. When asked why he believes it works, I understand Dr. Germer attributes it to behavioral change. Instead of entertaining thoughts of his inadequacy or failure, he adopts a more sympathetic view of himself—a flawed yet inherently worthy individual striving for happiness. In essence, the loving-kindness mantras help to quiet the inner critic.
The other day, a client shared with me how she has been practicing loving kindness more regularly and is experiencing positive results. It took a while for her to start practicing. Still, she reports experiencing anxiety, but now she’s not as thrown off by it and can continue with her plans through her busy day. She no longer feels hijacked by her threat system and is not judging herself for feeling “crazy.” She greets her struggle with kindness the way you would to a friend. She pauses for a few moments, noticing the moment's intensity, and offers herself a personalized mantra suiting her needs in the moment.
May I be okay
May I not feel anxious
May I feel peaceful
I had been meditating on and off for 18 years before I discovered a mindful compassion practice, and it has been a game-changer for me. In the neighborhood where I grew up, you were more likely to hear how you were a waste of oxygen than to hear anything about love or kindness.
I understand people's reluctance and hesitation when they first learn the concept of loving-kindness. It's contrary to how many of us grew up. The implication that everyone deserves love, especially that we are to be the giver and receiver of love to ourselves, can feel foreign. Ironically, as we become familiar with it, we see how natural and comforting it is.
