Gently Letting Go
4 Tips For Gently Letting Go: Get Clear On The Problem, Allow Your Feelings To Be As They Are, Question Your Thoughts, Be A Good Friend To Yourself
Life presents us with moments that may challenge our expectations. Whether it's the disappointment of a loved one's indifferent response or the frustration of an unexpected professional setback, learning to navigate these experiences graciously can be life-changing. Gently letting go involves releasing the grip of unfulfilled expectations and embracing a more balanced perspective. Through real-life examples, we'll explore how to move past unhelpful beliefs and shift gears when things don't go as planned. By examining the impact of holding on and offering practical strategies for managing emotions, this discussion aims to support personal growth and well-being.
Holding On
Carrie left the stage when her musical number ended, greeted by the roaring applause of the crowd. Friends and family welcomed her as she returned to the darkwood dancefloor, illuminated by ricocheting strobe lights, at one of NYC’s iconic dance halls. Her smile was infectious; grinning from ear to ear, she sang her heart out, and the crowd responded in kind, except for the one person she had given her heart to. JP stood aloof and distant as Carrie wrapped her arms around him. He offered no congratulations or warm smile, and he seemed to turn his body away from her as she attempted to share her moment with him.
Reaching out for someone isn’t limited to romantic relationships; it could happen with a sibling, parent, child, or friend. Rejection can sting when people don’t respond as we hoped—whether intentional, accidental, or circumstantial.
In these moments, we may find ourselves holding on to old ideas, wrapping our arms around beliefs about how things should be: the world should be fairer, people should be more considerate, I should have done better, etc. Like unrequited love, we may feel a sense of loss when life doesn’t meet our expectations.
Shifting Gears
As an entrepreneur, shifting gears quickly is an important skill worth strengthening. When responsible for providing services or products and all administrative tasks such as paying bills, scheduling appointments, fielding inquiries, and marketing, the more adaptable you are, the better.
If you’re anything like me, asking for help is not the first thing that comes to mind when you feel stuck. In my case, especially with design and technology on social media, I am stretching myself far beyond anything I could have imagined when I decided to work for myself.
When I first hired a consultant to help me with a project, she appeared enthusiastic and eager to collaborate. We discussed the scope of the work and scheduled a follow-up appointment a few days later. At our second meeting, everything looked good at first glance, but as we were finalizing, we both noticed a clear mistake from the previously discussed specs. She noticed it first but didn’t mention it until I pointed it out.
Let It Be
This hiccup had a domino effect on when the content would be available to launch. The bigger upset was not being able to cross the task off my list. Thinking you’re finished only to have to reorganize your plans for the day and subsequent days is part of life. But when something feels frustrating, the first reaction some of us have is to look for someone to blame. My mind bounced between blaming the consultant for not being more detail-oriented and blaming myself for not ensuring the message was clear.
Meanwhile, another part of me kept thinking, “This isn’t that important. Move on to the rest of what has to get done today.” The unexpected delay brought me to a crossroads, as I had to decide whether to prioritize finishing what should have been completed or shift gears and go back to the original plan for the day.
Noticing my thought patterns and inner dialogue helped me switch my focus and use a different perspective. Negative thinking, such as "People are so incompetent" or "I'm so incompetent," may camouflage emotions like disappointment and frustration that exist under the surface of criticism. By labeling our experiences, we can reduce the intensity of our emotions, and when we slow down or avoid repetitive thoughts our feelings naturally dissipate.
The Drama Triangle
Dr. Stephen Karpman identified the attributes of the Drama Triangle in 1968, a model that various therapeutic and coaching frameworks have adapted. His model highlights roles, power, and personal responsibility in conflicts. The three archetypical roles include the victim, the persecutor, and the rescuer.
The victim in this model is not someone who has literally been wounded by someone but instead is someone who is playing the victim. The victim seeks to convince themselves and others that nothing can be done to change their situation. They are often waiting to be rescued by others. Beliefs include, "My life is so unfair,” and “Poor me.”
The persecutor, also known as the villain, blames others and fails to take responsibility for their actions. If blamed, the persecutor may become defensive and switch roles, becoming the victim. Beliefs include: “I’m surrounded by idiots” and “It’s not my fault.”
The rescuer is a classic enabler, feeling obligated or somehow responsible for others' misfortune and mistakes. Their rescuing has negative effects, like keeping the victim dependent. By focusing on others, they ignore their own problems and anxieties. Beliefs include: “Don’t worry; I’ll fix it” and “Let me help you.”
Turning inward when hijacked by emotions can allow you to hear the stories or roles conjured by a mind trying to make sense and meaning of situations and feeling states and broaden your perspective.
When Moving On Is Difficult
We’ve all encountered some version of the phrase, "Let that $%@# go," either from others or from our own inner voice. It can still be challenging even when we intellectually agree and recognize that other things are more important. During stressful times, letting things go can be thought of like turning a dial, not like flipping a switch. As much as we might like to turn our feelings on and off, it generally doesn’t work that way. Even when we decide that our emotions are taking up too much mental real estate, ruminating thoughts, agitation, sadness, or fear may linger.
It’s confusing when our emotions don’t align with our wishes, and it’s understandable to want unpleasant feelings to go away, but emotions have their own timeline. When something or someone is important to us, even when we understand we can’t change the situation, we are likely to have deep feelings, so it makes sense that sometimes we feel pulled back into the story or stuck in the muck of it all.
At times, having the desire to feel differently helps us unhook from intense emotions. Other times greater self-understanding can reduce inner conflict, leading to smoother transitions when it comes to letting go and moving on.
4 Tips for Gently Letting Go
Get Clear On The Problem: What’s the struggle you’re having? Analyze the problem. For example, instead of thinking, “Everyone is incompetent” or “I am incompetent,” look deeper at the situation and label your feelings. Decluttering the mind, organizing thoughts, and having a clear sense of what’s happening internally are some strategies that may offer relief.
Allow Your Feelings To Be As They Are: Label your feelings instead of battling them. For example say, “It’s frustrating when things don’t go as planned,” rather than “What’s wrong with me? I should be over this already.” Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. This approach allows you to get back on track more quickly than if you suppress your emotions.
Question Your Thoughts: Don’t believe everything you think. Watch out for assumptions and interpretations. Our minds quickly conjure up stories based on our experiences and feelings. Remember, many things are invisible to us, especially regarding other people’s situations, motivations, and capabilities.
Be A Good Friend To Yourself: Make time for compassionate self-awareness. Spend 10-15 minutes each day acknowledging your challenges, thinking about your needs, and reminding yourself you will get through this. A gentle inner tone of voice eases the nervous system. When we feel cared for, even by ourselves, our defenses go down, and we can make better decisions than when we feel judged or criticized.
The steps for gently letting go are easy to understand but can be tricky to implement and generally take practice. However, by paying attention to gently letting go, we support our overall well-being and life satisfaction.
After Carrie’s successful night and JP’s lack of enthusiasm, she decided she no longer wanted to be in the role of fixing everything within their relationship. Reflecting on the lyrics to Bonnie Raitt’s song “I Can’t Make You Love Me,” Carrie decided to let JP initiate contact between them for now.
